“Vampirism: (n) 1. The condition of being a vampire, marked by the need to ingest blood and extreme vulnerability to sunlight. 2. The act of preying upon others for financial or emotional gain. 3. A gigantic pain in the butt.”

“How to see a vampire in three easy steps: 1. Get up. 2. Find a mirror. 3. Look at your first vampire.”

“A great numb feeling washes over me as I let go of the past and look forward to the future. Pretend to be a vampire. I don't really need to pretend, because it's who I am, an emotional vampire. I've just come to expect it. Vampires are real. That I was born this way. That I feed off of other people's real emotions. Search for this night's prey. Who will it be?”

“Fuathan don’t come out until after dark. Sunlight kills them.’‘Like vampires?’‘Kind of. Very mean, sub-aquatic vampires who don’t need to drink your blood, but might do it anyway, just for fun.”

“1. A green-glass beanstalk 2. An abstract representation of a tree 3. A greener, glassier, uglier Washington Monument 4. The Jolly Green Giant's gigantic jolly green phallus.”

“The four cornerstones of the American political psyche are 1) emotion substituted for thought, 2) fear, 3) ignorance and 4) propaganda”