“When you're chewing on life's gristleDon't grumble, give a whistleAnd this'll help things turn out for the best...And...always look on the bright side of life...Always look on the light side of life.”

“Some things in life are badThey can really make you madOther things just make you swear and curse.When you're chewing on life's gristleDon't grumble, give a whistleAnd this'll help things turn out for the best...And...always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the light side of life... If life seems jolly rottenThere's something you've forgottenAnd that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.When you're feeling in the dumpsDon't be silly chumpsJust purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.And...always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the light side of life... For life is quite absurdAnd death's the final wordYou must always face the curtain with a bow.Forget about your sin - give the audience a grinEnjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.So always look on the bright side of death Just before you draw your terminal breath Life's a piece of shitWhen you look at itLife's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.You'll see it's all a showKeep 'em laughing as you goJust remember that the last laugh is on you.And always look on the bright side of life...Always look on the right side of life... (Come on guys, cheer up!)Always look on the bright side of life...Always look on the bright side of life...(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)Always look on the bright side of life...(I mean - what have you got to lose?)(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.What have you lost? Nothing!)Always look on the right side of life...”

“The universe itself keeps on expanding and expandingIn all of the directions it can whizzAs fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,How amazingly unlikely is your birth,And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.”

“Bring out... The Comfy Chair!!!!”

“At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before ... ”

“McGough: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry. Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir - I used to suffer from short stories.McGough: Really? When?Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time ...”

“Henry KissingerHow I'm missing yerYou're the Doctor of my dreamsWith your crinkly hair and your glassy stareAnd your Machiavellian schemesI know they say that you are very vainAnd short and fat and pushyBut at least you're not insaneHenry KissingerHow I'm missing yerAnd wishing you were hereHenry KissingerHow I'm missing yerYou're so chubby and so neatWith your funny clothes and your squishy noseYou're like a German parakeetAll right so people say that you don't careBut you've got nicer legs than HitlerAnd bigger tits than CherHenry KissingerHow I'm missing yerAnd wishing you were here”