“I remember a bully once telling me that he was going to beat the stuffing out of me. After numerous blows it was evident to both of us that I didn't have any!!”

“Somebody once told me that I need a reality check, I told them that I'll accept money from any source.”

“Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, "That's true, I'm hiding from the barber!!”

“Quickly look down, now you tell me, when you were little did you ever imagine that you'd be wearing those shoes? Mind blowing isn't it?”

“I don't know why they call them Cheerios, I ate an entire box and didn't feel any happier!!”

“I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them.”

“They kept yelling at me to pay attention during school, since education hasn't panned out for me can I get a refund, or at least a rebate?”