“I think that last batch of sea monkeys ate my cat!!!”

“I don't know why they call them Cheerios, I ate an entire box and didn't feel any happier!!”

“This was to be my last trip. Sailing great distances was dangerous, and not very profitable in today's world. I walked down the worn wooden step to the captain's cabin, the creaking of the ship keeping time with my steps. Opening the door I found him bent over an old map."Where are we captain?" I asked, hoping it was close to home."See this spot, where it says "Here there be monsters"?" he said pointing to an image of a horrid beast."Certainly, but you and I both know such creatures don't exist!!"The captain laughed, and looking up at me with an evil glint in his eye said, "Who's talking about sea monsters?". As he spoke the skin from one corner of his mouth fell loose, exposing a yellow reptilian skin beneath."What?" I yelled, and as I turned to run for the cabin door I heard screams and loud moans coming from the deck, and the crew quarters below.I felt fetid breath on the back of my neck, "Aye matey, here there be monsters”

“They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!!”

“If I were a candy bar I’d want to be a snicker, because then I’d have the last laugh!!”

“I think what I need to do is stay awake while I'm sleeping so I can see what I'm dreaming better!!”

“I sprayed my dog with off and he still sits in my favorite chair!!”