“I tried to walk a mile in a man's shoes once. I ended up running most of the way!! Seems he wanted them back..”

“I try not to have personal problems, I do that by telling everyone about them!!!”

“Somebody once told me that I need a reality check, I told them that I'll accept money from any source.”

“This was to be my last trip. Sailing great distances was dangerous, and not very profitable in today's world. I walked down the worn wooden step to the captain's cabin, the creaking of the ship keeping time with my steps. Opening the door I found him bent over an old map."Where are we captain?" I asked, hoping it was close to home."See this spot, where it says "Here there be monsters"?" he said pointing to an image of a horrid beast."Certainly, but you and I both know such creatures don't exist!!"The captain laughed, and looking up at me with an evil glint in his eye said, "Who's talking about sea monsters?". As he spoke the skin from one corner of his mouth fell loose, exposing a yellow reptilian skin beneath."What?" I yelled, and as I turned to run for the cabin door I heard screams and loud moans coming from the deck, and the crew quarters below.I felt fetid breath on the back of my neck, "Aye matey, here there be monsters”

“Some people like to push my buttons!!! I just wish they would give them back...”

“I remember a bully once telling me that he was going to beat the stuffing out of me. After numerous blows it was evident to both of us that I didn't have any!!”

“Has anybody ever written a horror pop-up book? The center of the book pops up and opens the gate to the elder gods. Of course you'll want to shrink wrap these books because you want people to buy them before they get sucked into another dimension.”