“I try not to have personal problems, I do that by telling everyone about them!!!”

“I tried to walk a mile in a man's shoes once. I ended up running most of the way!! Seems he wanted them back..”

“I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them.”

“If I have multiple personalities will I taste better to a zombie, or is the effort simply wasted? I've talked it over with myself, and neither of us could agree if that is true or not!!!”

“One of the joys of being a grandparent is giving your grandchild caffeinated sugary drinks late in the day, and sending them home. Do you have any idea how many years I had to wait for that?”

“I remember a bully once telling me that he was going to beat the stuffing out of me. After numerous blows it was evident to both of us that I didn't have any!!”

“I don't know why they call them Cheerios, I ate an entire box and didn't feel any happier!!”