“If I have a pocket full of rainbows am I an optimist, or a guy with wet pants and really large pockets?”

“Have you ever had a large spider in the tub, figuring you'll wash it down the drain you turn on the shower, and set it to hot?Only to have the stupid thing grab onto the edge of the drain and hiss at you!!”

“I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them.”

“I've always been afraid that someone would steal my identity some day and be more successful at being me than I am!!”

“I try not to have personal problems, I do that by telling everyone about them!!!”

“When I was little and my mom got mad at me she would always say, "You know you can be replaced".I have often wondered if I was.”

“If I have multiple personalities will I taste better to a zombie, or is the effort simply wasted? I've talked it over with myself, and neither of us could agree if that is true or not!!!”