“Quickly look down, now you tell me, when you were little did you ever imagine that you'd be wearing those shoes? Mind blowing isn't it?”

“When I was little and my mom got mad at me she would always say, "You know you can be replaced".I have often wondered if I was.”

“Have you ever had a large spider in the tub, figuring you'll wash it down the drain you turn on the shower, and set it to hot?Only to have the stupid thing grab onto the edge of the drain and hiss at you!!”

“I remember a bully once telling me that he was going to beat the stuffing out of me. After numerous blows it was evident to both of us that I didn't have any!!”

“Bad answers for employment questions:Employer: I see here that you worked for the state for three years. Why did you leave that job? "My parole was granted”

“Wheneve someone asks me, "Did you find everything alright?" I wonder to myself, "Is this a trick question?"Maybe there is something that is not all right, and if I mention it first I get some exotic prizes!!”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?? Who keeps track of those things?”