“They started the meeting out by saying, "Everybody please take your seats"I was halfway back to my cubicle with mine before they stopped me...”

“When I was little and my mom got mad at me she would always say, "You know you can be replaced".I have often wondered if I was.”

“They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!!”

“I flunked out of mime school. I could never hear what the instructor was saying!!!”

“Some people like to push my buttons!!! I just wish they would give them back...”

“They used to say, "A penny for your thoughts". I have heard that zombies will pay up to $5 a pound for your brains. Inflation even affects the dead!!!”

“I remember a bully once telling me that he was going to beat the stuffing out of me. After numerous blows it was evident to both of us that I didn't have any!!”