“And Zeus told Aphrodite, in all sincerity, that he had now given up catching oysters for her sake. But could not help cursing her for having started him off in eating them. Since Hera had now taken over the show. She was the only Goddess in Olympus who had the ability to renew her virginity as she bathed in the spring of Kanathos, near Argos, & thus had taken upon herself the job of supplying him with fresh oysters.”

“Aphrodite then promised Zeus that as soon as the girdle could be removed, she would reserve her flower for him. And she told him that her flower, as Nerites had advised her, was like a lovely oyster & she hoped that he liked oysters. And she told him that that was all that she had to give him in return for his seed. And she hoped that he would swallow her flower just as she swallowed his seed.”

“But Zeus did not tell Aphrodite that age was catching up on him. And that Gods, just as Mortal men, suffered from Erectile Dysfunction. And that the daily harvesting of his sperm sacs by Hera & Themis in order to provide three amphoras full of seed had not helped.And that thus, he, just as all those who suffered from Erectile Dysfunction, actually preferred catching oysters & eating them rather than deflowering the owners of the oysters. And thus, the Big Crunch that had been planned, now risked becoming the Big Bathos, the Big Let Down.”

“Hera thus suggested that she would tell Zeus that he had to couple with Aphrodite as a matter of duty, not love,since this was the wish of Eros & Chaos who were responsible for the Big Bang.And Themis volunteered to tell Aphrodite that she would have to couple with the King of the Gods for the same reason.And thus Themis & Hera took it upon themselves to rectify the consequences of the Big Bang by arranging the Big Crunch. And when the news got around, all the Gods & Goddesses of Olympus said that they would like to witness the spectacle.”

“And when Aphrodite was told about Cupid`s rapid progress, she asked Zeus whether he would take her other son, Hymen, along too, since Hymen was already twenty-one & was about to be appointed as the God of Marriage, but knew precious little about love & sex, let alone, marriage.And thus Zeus took Hymen along too on his oyster hunt. But the Nymphs did not like Hymen. They shrieked & ran in all directions at his approach. But Hymen turned out to be a worthy oyster hunter. He caught the Nymphs easily enough & after catching them, he fed them with wine which his father, the God of Wine, made. And thus drugged, he harvested their oysters painlessly. And this was how all virgin Nymphs & girls got their oysters named after him, the God of Marriage.”

“Hera said that Hephaestus was the one who made the lovely chariots for Zeus, Poseidon & Hades. Also the one for Helios, the Sun God. And if she married him, he might make one for her too. But she did not tell the young Goddess of Love why none of the Goddesses wanted to marry him in the first instance & that he was ugly & a cripple. She also omitted to tell her that Hephaestus, having created the first woman, Pandora, from clay, had neither the patience nor the inclination to woo & pamper women, let alone put up with the changing moods of the young lovely Goddesses at Olympus. And that even the warlike & down-to-earth Athena had dropped him like a ton of bricks.As Aphrodite did not appear to have any choices, she nodded her head & thus accepted Hera as her future mother-in-law. And this explains one of the greatest mysteries in Greek Mythology: why the loveliest & most beautiful of the Goddesses would agree to marry the ugliest of the Gods. For this mismatch would not have happened if not for Hera.”