“What problems?" "Well for starters.. you're an evil duck killer.”

“[T]he truth is the percentage of vampires that are also evil killers is about the same as the percentage of normal people who are also evil killers.”

“What did I do?”“What did you do? Well, for starters, you used your face to stop a cafeteria door from swinging open.”

“Well hellfire save matches, fuck a duck and see what hatches!”

“Look around. The hantavirus is waiting for you. Ebola and the tropical rainforest is cooking up all kinds of brews to make sure that the population is kept in control. All these things are necessary. Why is there an increase in sexual deviance right now? Because it goes against procreative sex. Mother Nature does not want more children. This is not a time of birth. It is not a time to give birth, it's a time to die. The Bible says all things under heaven and that includes death as well as life. You out there, you comfortable ones, you point the finger. You say the junkie is the problem, you say the sexual deviant, serial killer, racist, and the man who hates his fellow man is the problem. But they ain't the problem. You're the problem. The sexual deviant, the murderer, the serial killer, the taker of human life is the cure, you're the problem.”

“He put his arms around her. “Well, in my defense, then, whatever I did seemed to work, didn't it?”She sighed. “I suppose.”“You suppose?”“What do you want? A medal?”“For starters. A trophy would be nice, too.”She smiled. “What do you think you're holding right now?”