“I was so happy every morning when I woke up that I was pissing smiley faces.”

“I must have bitten Angus Young too, because his brother Malcolm walked up to me in a rage. I was wearing platform boots, and Malcolm's face was eye level with my belly button. "You fucking bastard," he roared at my navel. "You can bite my brother, fine! But if you fucking bite me, I'll bite your fucking nose off, you dog-faced faggot."I think I said something like "you and what stepladder," because before I knew it, he was attacking me, climbing up my leg and clawing at my face like a crazed cat.”

“My dick didn't seem to be aware that she was there. She kept asking me what was wrong, and I was so out of it that I thought she meant what was wrong with the world, so I started talking about global poverty and shit. I'm not surprised she left. I suspect she won't be coming back.”

“Sometimes I think I should just buy a blow-up party doll. Same level of intelligence, plastic, and full of air.The problem is, I'd probably fall in love.”

“When you die, every single muscle in your body hurts. Your body has closed down because it thinks it's done, and when it gets rebooted, every inch of you hurts. Plus I'd had the shit beaten out of me with a baseball bat.”

“Just let it happen and, I promise you, all that is magic will appear.”

“I used to think the only way to be truly alive is to confront your mortality.”