“Baclli swarm within my portalsSuch as ne'r conceived by mortals,But, bred by scientists,Wise and hoary in some Olympian laboratory.Bacteria as large as miceWith feet of fire and heads of ice,Who never interrupt for slumberTheir stomping, elephantine rumba.( From the poem--- " The Common Cold " )”

“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”

“He who has never tasted jail Lives well within the legal pale, While he who's served a heavy sentence Renews the racket, not repentance.”

“Everybody who has a baby thinks everybody who hasn't a baby ought to have a baby,Which accounts for the success of such plays as the Irish Rose of Abie,The idea apparently being that just by being fruitfulYou are doing something beautiful,Which if it is trueMeans that the common housefly is several million times more beautiful than me or you.”

“Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.”

“I have an idea that the phrase “weaker sex” was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm. ”

“People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they really don’t want it.”