“A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.”

“It's not what you are, it's what you don't become that hurts.”

“First I brush my teeth and then I sharpen my tongue.”

“When I can't sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen.”

“On Ira Gershwin: I remember when he was given the manuscript of a novel written by a woman friend who had hopes of having it published. To his astonishment it turned out to be the dirtiest, most pornographic book he had ever read. When the lady mentioned that she intended to use a nom de plume, Ira suggested she call herself Henrietta Miller.”

“Happiness isn't something you experience, it's something you remember.”

“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”