“Happiness isn't something you experience, it's something you remember.”

“It's not what you are, it's what you don't become that hurts.”

“A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.”

“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”

“On Ira Gershwin: I remember when he was given the manuscript of a novel written by a woman friend who had hopes of having it published. To his astonishment it turned out to be the dirtiest, most pornographic book he had ever read. When the lady mentioned that she intended to use a nom de plume, Ira suggested she call herself Henrietta Miller.”

“You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow. (Oscar trying to talk his way out of a speeding ticket)”

“There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”