“There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”

“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.”

“The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.”

“On Ira Gershwin: I remember when he was given the manuscript of a novel written by a woman friend who had hopes of having it published. To his astonishment it turned out to be the dirtiest, most pornographic book he had ever read. When the lady mentioned that she intended to use a nom de plume, Ira suggested she call herself Henrietta Miller.”

“First I brush my teeth and then I sharpen my tongue.”

“When I can't sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen.”

“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”