“When I can't sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen.”

“On Ira Gershwin: I remember when he was given the manuscript of a novel written by a woman friend who had hopes of having it published. To his astonishment it turned out to be the dirtiest, most pornographic book he had ever read. When the lady mentioned that she intended to use a nom de plume, Ira suggested she call herself Henrietta Miller.”

“You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow. (Oscar trying to talk his way out of a speeding ticket)”

“First I brush my teeth and then I sharpen my tongue.”

“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”

“I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.”