“I don't do weddings, funerals or Tupperware parties.”
“I found it all about as arousing as a Tupperware party.”
“You are thirty minutes late.""Yes.""Would you be thirty minutes late to a wedding or a funeral?""No.""Why not, pray tell?""Well, if the funeral was mine I'd have to be on time. If the wedding was mine it would be my funeral.”
“An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral.”
“A wedding left the church and, meeting a funeral, walked three steps with the dead.”
“A divorce party--that's really better than a wedding party!”