“I’m an animal activist. Many people say that I’m a hypocrite, because I eat burgers and stuff like that but I won’t wear fur. But I’m not a hypocrite. I just only wear fake fur. ”

“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look like squirrel fur. And if I’m wearing no shirt at all, my eyes look more nude and flesh-colored. I guess my ex girlfriend, Zelda, said it best when her friend asked her what I look like and she said: “He looks like you’d imagine him to look like, if you had no imagination.”

“If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like I’m fighting. In the face of violence, I’m just that gentle and sensual.”

“I’m two hours late when I pull in to the driveway. It won’t matter that I’m always on time. People never see how good you are. Fuck up once, and it’s like you are wearing a neon sign.”

“Oh God, he thought. “I’m sorry, I thought I heard you say to come in.”“I did.”“But you’re only wearing a towel.”“What is it with you guys and towels? It’s not like I’m naked.”

“The only time I’ll eat Italian wedding soup is if I’m wearing a tuxedo and eating with a priest.”