“He was obviously dead. But since he was a vampire that wasn't as hopeless a thing as it might have been.”

“I doubted vampire stuff would work on my disembodied father. He might have been a soulless bastard, but he was not an actual vampire.”

“Obviously somebody had been appallingly incompetent and he hoped to God it wasn't him.”

“If he'd been a hero, he would have taken the opportunity to say, "That's what I call sorted!" Since he wasn't a hero, he threw up.”

“Stop!" Narcissus got to his feet. "This is not right! This person is obviously not awesome, so he must be..." He struggled for the right words. It had probably been a long time since he'd talked about anything other than himself. "He must be tricking us." Apparently Narcissus wasn't completely stupid.”

“The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he's a vampire. Pretty much all my crushes have been one or the other. One guy, actually, was both big and a vampire, but he turned out to be gay.”