“Then they gave me a loaf of bread and told me to walk through the forest and give some to anyone who asked. I did exactly what they told me, and the second beggar-woman was a fairy in disguise, but instead of saying that whenever I spoke, diamonds and roses would drop from my mouth, she said that since I was so kind, I would never have any problems with my teeth.”“Really? Did it work?”“Well, I haven’t had a toothache since I met her.”“I’d much rather have good teeth than have diamonds and roses drop out of my mouth whenever I said something”

“I’m so ashamed. The second she told me she had some feelings for me I dropped my pants.” -from The Haze”

“Phillip muttered something under his breath."What did you say?" she asked."Nothing.""You said something."He gave her an impatient look. "If I'd meant for you to hear it, I would have said it out loud."She sucked in her breath. "Then you shouldn't have said it at all.""Some things," Phillip muttered, "are impossible to keep inside.""What did yousay?" she demanded.Phillip raked his hand through his hair. "Eloise—""Did you insult me?""Do you really want to know?""Since it appears we are to be wed," she bit off, "yes.""I don't recall my exact words," Phillip shot back, "but I believe I may have uttered the wordswomenandlack of sense inthe same breath.”

“she started asking me all kinds of personal questions – how many girls had I slept with? Where I was from? Which university did I go to? What kind of music did I like? Had I ever read any novels by Osamu Dazai? Where would I like to go if I could travel abroad? Did I think her nipples were too big? I made up some answers and went to sleep, but next morning she said she wanted to have breakfast with me, and she kept up the stream of questions over the tasteless eggs and toast and coffee. What kind of work did my father do? Did I get good marks at school? What month was I born? Had I ever eaten frogs? She was giving me a headache, so as soon as we had finished eating I said I had to go to work. . .”

“Since there is no one else to praise me, I will praise myself -- will say that I have never tampered with a single tooth in my thought machine, such as it is. There are teeth missing, God knows -- some I was born without, teeth that will never grow. And other teeth have been stripped by the clutchless shifts of history -- But never have I willfully destroyed a tooth on a gear of my thinking machine. Never have I said to myself, 'This fact I can do without.”

“I had rather be a canker in a hedge than a rose in his grace; and it better fits my blood to be disdained of all than to fashion a carriage to rob love from any: in this, though I cannot be said to be a flattering honest man, it must not be denied but I am a plain-dealing villain. I am trusted with a muzzle and enfranchised with a clog; therefore I have decreed not to sing in my cage. If I had my mouth, I would bite; if I had my liberty, I would do my liking: in the meantime, let me be that I am, and seek not to alter me.”