“Topper had once heard a saying, "If you set out on the path to revenge, first dig two graves." But things worked a little differently in the savage dwarf's head. So, he had remembered it like this, "If you set out on the path to revenge, first pour two glasses." And that's exactly what he did.”

“There is no such thing as coincidence, Topper. It is always, always your enemies conspiring against you." (from How to Succeed in Evil)”

“For all the clever jokes that could be made here involving "mind" and "matter" there is one sure and certain variation you can take with you to the grave: "In the grand scheme of things you don't matter very much, and the laws of physics don't mind at all.”

“But the concepts of the physical sciences were ill-adapted to a world filled with acting men and women. The psychologic, the economic, these were matters for which no equation could reliably provide truth. For today's statistical relationship was sure to be turned on it's head tomorrow by a change of preference or fancy. Electrons can be excited, but they do not panic. Observe as many favorable conditions for a riot as you may like, better yet set all of them, and still a riot may not happen. And you will probably never know why your plan of domestic unrest was foiled." (From How to Succeed in Evil)”

“Come now, Mr. Windsor. Even with your limited knowledge and frame of reference, you must recognize that diplomacy is merely a cover for the most savage acts of mankind.”

“Edwin is prepared to believe that a glass exists. And further, that this glass holds liquid.”

“He is called Excelsior. In Latin the name means "ever higher". This impossible man does not know this. To be fair, there are a lot of words he doesn't know.”