“The world is your oyster... ...too bad you're allergic to shellfish.”

“at first I thought you were just using me" she said"I definitely am." I just wasn't sure for what."Asshole!" she said, and punched me in the side. And she laughed as my kidney began to hemorrhage.That's the beauty of honesty. Everyones so unused to hearing it they just assume you're kidding, and you get to feel very good and forthcoming without suffering any consequences except for traces of blood in your urine for the next day or two.”

“Buy this book or I’ll take it personally, and I will have my revenge. I’ll steal your girlfriend or make out with your dad. It doesn’t matter to me. Whichever will hurt worse. My vengeance knows no sexuality. You don’t want this. Your dad does though. Yeah, like you didn’t know your parents’ marriage was a sham. Come on. Open your fucking eyes.”

“Sitting on my stool I thought of a bumper sticker: "If Mean People Suck, Why Isn't My Dick In Your Mouth?”

“There’s nothing about me on the jacket because I have no credentials. I majored in English at school, but I only took one creative writing class. I think I got a B. And I never really thought about getting an MFA. I’m too spiteful to take criticism constructively and I’m only comfortable being honest about people behind their backs, so workshops or group critiques were never what I was looking for. For years I just wrote in journals and didn’t really worry about turning any of it into stories or stuff for other people to read, so I guess I developed my writing style by talking to myself, like some homeless people do. Only I used a pen and paper instead of just freaking out on the street. If they switched to a different medium they might be better off. It would probably help if they had someplace to live too.”

“Buy it for the lady who’s about to become your mother-in-law, the one who’s already trying to control your life and the lives of the three children she’s already pressuring you to have. Give her the book one day out of nowhere, just as a nice surprise, and when she hugs you, calmly whisper: “Don’t fuck with me, Ellen. Don’t even think about it. Ever.” Then smile at her like everything is wonderful. Because from now on, it will be.”

“But really it’s condescending and patronizing not to make fun of someone because they’re old or stupid or crippled or morbidly obese. Banged up people don’t want your pity. They just want to be treated like everyone else. Mockery, when done without prejudice or discretion, can be a form of respect. It’s the closest we’ll ever come to true equality.”