“Don't you think baby corns are scary? There's just something wrong about their midget bodies.”

“I also think people should never turn down an opportunity to hold a baby. There's something about the feeling of a new baby in your arms that just fixes you.”

“Whenever there's something wrong with your writing, suspect that there's something wrong with your thinking.”

“There's a whole lot more to most people than meets the eye, Wilson. Unfortunately, a lot of times it isn't good stuff. It's scary stuff, painful stuff. By now, you know so much scary, painful stuff about me, it's a wonder you're still around. You had me pegged pretty well right from the start, I'd say. You're wrong about one thing, though. Girls like me notice guys like you. We just don't think we deserve them.”

“There's a Drunk Midget in My HouseAh, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Like most people who have had one baby, I am an expert on everythiing and will tell you, unsolicited, how to raise your kid!”

“A lot of people get the wrong impression, think there's something romantic or tragic about hitting bottom.”