“Guys have four personalities: the one they use with their parents, the one they use around other adults, the one they use for talking to girls, and the one they use for hanging with their friends. Leakage between the various personality types can cause serious problems.”

“Q: Why don't boys talk?A: Boys do talk! You watch a group of them from a distance you will see that their lips are moving. They are probably making hand gestures as well. But what are they talking about?I do my hare of talking with my guy friends, but I have no idea what we talk bout. guys have absolutely no short-term memory for conversations. This is why a girl can have a long, heart-to-heart talk with her sweetie, and the next day she makes some reference to what they talked about, and he looks at her with utter incomprehension and says, "Huh?"The reason for this forgetfulness is that guys almost never anything in conversation that is worth remembering.”

“Dan is my ordinary friend. Everybody should have at least one ordinary friend and Dan is as ordinary as they come. He is so ordinary that most people have to meet him six or seven times before they remember his name.”

“You ever watch a football game and get totally into it? Why? It's not a real battle. It's just a game somebody made up. So how can you take it seriously? Or, you ever see a movie that made your heart about jump out of your chest? Or one that made you cry? Why? It wasn't real. You ever look at a photo of food that made your mouth water? Why? You can't eat the picture.. . . . .Same thing with water towers and God. I don't have to be a believer to be serious about my religion.”

“People in groups are like sheep. Like, when your very best friend is surrounded by other people, she cares more about what everybody else thinks that she cares about you. The more people there are, the more they act like animals."That doesn't make sense.""Sure it does. Have you ever heard of two guys getting in a fistfight when there's nobody around to watch? It never happens. It takes a crowd to bring out the beast. You can't trust anybody when you're not alone with them. Anybody. You have to know the boundaries.”

“I didn't know what to say, but one thing was for sure: The Bank of Ted was closed.”

“Do they really think that attending mass will make them better, or happier, or save them from an eternity of hellfire? Maybe they do. But there are something like ten thousand religions in the world. What makes them think that they happen to have been born into the right one? I have asked this question several times. So far, I haven't heard a good answer. Better to start your own religion, I think. That way you get to be your own pope.”