“Chumps always make the best husbands. When you marry, Sally, grab a chump. Tap his head first, and if it rings solid, don't hesitate. All the unhappy marriages come from husbands having brains. What good are brains to a man? They only unsettle him.”

“Providence looks after all the chumps of this world, and personally, I'm all for it.”

“Have you ever been turned down by a girl who afterwards married and then been introduced to her husband? If so you'll understand how I felt when Clarence burst on me. You know the feeling. First of all, when you hear about the marriage, you say to yourself, "I wonder what he's like." Then you meet him, and think, "There must be some mistake. She can't have preferred this to me!”

“I had one of those ideas I do sometimes get, though admittedly a chump of the premier class.”

“And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.”

“Had his brain been constructed of silk, he would have been hard put to it to find sufficient material to make a canary a pair of cami-knickers.”

“Providence seems to look after the chumps of this world; and, personally, I'm all for it.”