“After all, the best alibi is not the word of a friend, he knew, but the testimony of an enemy.”

“You see, the journey of life is a wondrous thing. There are no maps, and no rest stops. You follow the signs as best you can, and suddenly you’re there. Wherever you are, that is.”

“THE GHOULS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND. THE GHOULS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND, ALL OVER TOWN!”

“Adults have an amazing capacity to suck the joy out of such noble pursuits as Reading and Writing until they resemble their favorite pastimes: Working and Suffering.”

“Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.”

“Guns are always the best method for a private suicide. They are more stylish looking than single-edged razor blades and natural gas has got so expensive. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time.”

“America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.”