“W is for Women. They're awful, mendacious, Nasty and selfish, cruel and salacious,As thievish as gypsies, more crazy than Celts.Be sure that you never fuck anything else.”

“Never wear anything that panics the cat.”

“Everyone with any sense and experience in life would rather take his fellows one by one than in a crowd. Crowds are noisy, unreasonable and impatient. They can trample you easier than a single person can. And a crowd will never buy you lunch.”

“Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.”

“Guns are always the best method for a private suicide. They are more stylish looking than single-edged razor blades and natural gas has got so expensive. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time.”

“A walk through an old graveyard shows our ancestors often had more dead children than we have live ones.”

“A hat should be taken off when greeting a lady, and left off the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.”