“There are no nonsmokers in this business. Just people trying to quit, and people who haven’t started yet.”

“You two have sex every time you look at each other; sleeping together is just a formality you haven’t gotten around to yet.”

“No, it's because every goddamned winter, the brain cells that know how miserable it is here freeze and die. It takes 'em all summer to grow back, and then it's winter all over again and the whole ugle process starts over.”

“When the sun comes out in Hawaii, it warms up. When the sun comes in Puerto Vallarta, it warms up. when the sun comes out in Minnesota in January, you just go snow-blind.”

“...the one and only time in his career he'd been tempted to draw his weapon was when a swarm of gnats had descended on him in the motel parking lot. And what was so wrong about killing all the insects? Who cared if the frogs died with them? The only thing frogs were good for was keeping the insect population down, and clearly they were lousy at that.”

“God made ice for hockey and scotch, and that's about it.”

“If anyone ever told five-year-olds the truth about life, he thought, there’d be a rash of kindergarten suicides. ”