“Dentopedology is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it. I've been practicing it for years.”

“If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?”

“If I were reincarnated I would wish to be returned to earth as a killer virus to lower human population levels.”

“Your life is your garden and your thoughts are your seeds, so if your life isn't awesome you've been watering the weeds.”

“If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”

“A horse which stops dead just before a jump and thus propels its rider into a graceful arc provides a splendid excuse for general merriment.”

“Human population growth is probably the single most serious long-term threat to survival. We're in for a major disaster if it isn't curbed... We have no option. If it isn't controlled voluntarily, it will be controlled involuntarily by an increase in disease, starvation and war.”