“I thought about the bigger picture of my life, and about the people—and particularly the guys—I would encounter during my lifetime. How would I ever know when that moment was right, when expectation met anticipation and formed … connection?”

“How would I ever know when that moment was right, when expectation met anticipation and formed...connection?”

“The reward is in the risk. I wanted so badly to believe, but the fear felt as great and overwhelming as the desire.I abruptly stood up from my chair so I could return to my room and feel terribly sorry for myself and eat away too much chocolate in private“Can we try to be wise with each other for a very long time??”-“You mean, can we share our fuckups and see if we can get any wisdom out of them?”“Yeah, that would be nice”They think that fate is playing with them. That we’re all just participants in this romantic reality show that God gets a kick our of watching. But the universe doesn’t decide what’s right or not right. You doDullness is the spice of live. Which is why we must always use other spicesI don’t know what I’m doing. Please don’t laugh at me. If I’m a disaster, please be kind and let me down gentlyWas it possible my heart was shaking as hard as my hands?I thought about the bigger picture of my life, and about the people I would encounter during my lifetime. How would I ever know when that moment was right, when expectation met anticipation and formed…connection?”

“When you look at pictures of people you know are dead, there is something different about the eyes. As if they anticipated their particular fate.It is a visceral recognition. I told myself I was getting too fanciful and went to bed.”

“You know what I was thinking about on my way home? How different my life would be if you’d made that gash a little deeper. Or how different yours would be if I’d vaulted myself off a roof nine years ago. Do you ever think about things like that? Like, if either you or I wouldn’t have made it, where would the other one be right now? It was something I thought about all the time: how death changes every remaining moment for those still living.”

“During the day I would move my body to the rhythm that only I could hear. I would try and connect with everything in my surroundings thinking that it somehow connected to who I was and was secretly sending me messages about what was in my soul.”