“There were a million What Ifs that could have stopped the whole thing. A million things I wished I'd done differently. But in the end, I was left with what actually happened. With my mistakes and his.”

“My hindsight seemed unbearably clear tonight. I could see every mistake I'd made, every bit of harm I'd done, the small things and the big things.”

“For every thing that we are, there are a million things that we're not. And usually, those million things are what we really want but can never have.”

“There's a million what-ifs in life. You just have to keep yourself from thinking about the bad ones.”

“That's not how I'd planned it to be.""How did you plan it to be?" I ask, not to be snarky but because I am genuinely curious."I planned it to be a million different things," he replies. "And in the end, I couldn't figure which one it should be.”

“What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I'd done something I shouldn't have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I'd done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything differently than I had done? What if I'd actually wanted to fuck every one of those men? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn't have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?”