“The place looks like where David Lynch would meet Beaver Cleaver's mom for secret afternoons of bondage and milkshakes.”

“If Donald Trump and the Wicked Witch of the West had a kid, it would be Jayne-Anne. She looks like a librarian with some money and good taste in clothes but underneath the Verace, she's Godzilla with tits.”

“She'd [Allegra] look like Foxy Brown's little sister, except her head is SHAVED SMOOTH.”

“The clerk is looking at me. His expression hasn't changed. What I want to do is punch a hole in the front of the desk, reach through, grab his balls, and make him sing The Mickey Mouse Club song. But these days, I'm working on the theory that killing everyone I don't like might be counterproductive. I'm learning to use my indoor voice like a big boy, so I smile back at the clerk.”

“If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.”

“If Jesus was a bartender, He would still only be half as cool as Carlos.”

“We must always look after our friends, even when they are foolish. Especially when they are foolish.”