“Crosses only scare vampires away because they're allergic to bullshit.”
“The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.”
“Seems to me people are mean or evil because they're scared, mostly, or in pain, or afraid they're going to lose something.”
“I blame it on Twilight. In real life, vampires only sparkle when they're on fire.”
“You shouldn't be afraid of me because I'm a vampire. You ought to be scared because you just trash-talked my girlfriend to her face.--Michael”
“Crosses?""Definitely""Why?""Because they're evil, soulless, bloodsucking fiends?""So was my sixth-grade gym teacher, but he wasn't afraid of a cross.”