“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.”

“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”

“My mother buried three husbands...and two of them were only napping.”

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. ”

“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”

“I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.”