“Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. ”

“New York - The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and say "These New Yorkers don't dress any better than we do.”

“A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.”

“Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.”

“I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.”

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

“After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.”