“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success.”

“Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights! ”

“There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.”

“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected”

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”

“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral. ”

“Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.”