“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”

“Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.”

“Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights! ”

“Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.”

“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected”

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”

“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral. ”