“Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.”

“More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.”

“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”

“Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.”

“Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights! ”

“Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.”

“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected”