“The neck massage: signature move of a Professional Boyfriend.”

“All I could think about was throwing something at her— something made of glass. Or spikes. Or a viral disease. They really should invent Herpes In A Jar for moments like these”

“Kiss the scumbag!”

“Guys don't know the power we hold over them with the right tint of lip gloss.”

“Awesome. I was a jealous lunatic...and I wasn't alone. Touchdown!”

“Men are scumbags until they prove they're women.”

“That would make a fantastic college entrance essay. ‘I Killed My Boyfriend and Still Managed to Maintain a 4.2 GPA and the Lead in the Spring Musical.”