“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.”