“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“Life's a short trip. You'll find out.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”