“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”