“my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens”

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”