“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

“I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.”