“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“I was born once.The doctor was late.I made my own way out.The nurse slapped my insolence.“Suffocate me!” I screamed, “I shall not recant.”

“My dad told me that when I was born my cheeks were so fat the doctors didn't know which end to spank.”

“Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression. Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case? Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor. Doctor Po: Yes? Artemis: My mother, she... Doctor Po: Your mother, yes? Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.”

“You know why doctors slap babies on the bottom when they're born? So the dicks fall off the smart ones."He laughed. "You know why women don't have dicks? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.”

“I was born in a wreck and my mothers a whore.”