“I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I've done my job.”

“As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job”

“This producer was a woman, a type I became acquainted with at the beginning of my stand-up career in Denver. I cared little for them: blondes in high heels who were so anxious to reach the professional level of the men they worshipped, fawned over, served, built up, and flattered that they would stab other women in the back. They are the ultimate weapon used by men against actual feminists who try to work in media, and they are never friends to other women, you can trust me on that.”

“The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.”

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”

“I consider myself to be apretty good judge of people...That's why I don't like any of them.”

“I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.”