“You know you’re dealing with a numpty when her saving grace is that she didn’t help to cover up a murder.”

“When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.”

“If you can’t be of good character, write a good character.”

“You should never let a silly detail such as not getting attacked with a cake fork stand in the way of a little well-deserved sexy time.”

“A man who offers to cook after he's seen you trying to freeze a dead dog has to be at least a little bit keen.”

“I had been reduced to jelly by a brassiere.”

“My indiscretion was a part of my author mystique, just like Charles Dickens and Richard Madeley.”