“Open the old cigar-box .....let me consider anew..... Old friends, and who is Maggie that I should abandon you? A million surplus Maggies are willing 'o bear the yoke; And a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a Smoke. Light me another Cuba..... I hold to my first-sworn vows, If Maggie will have no rival, I'll have no Maggie for spouse!”

“I Keep Six Honest Serving Men ..." I keep six honest serving-men (They taught me all I knew);Their names are What and Why and When And How and Where and Who.I send them over land and sea, I send them east and west;But after they have worked for me, I give them all a rest.I let them rest from nine till five, For I am busy then,As well as breakfast, lunch, and tea, For they are hungry men.But different folk have different views; I know a person small—She keeps ten million serving-men,Who get no rest at all!She sends'em abroad on her own affairs, From the second she opens her eyes—One million Hows, two million Wheres,And seven million Whys!”

“What is a woman that you forsake herAnd the hearth fire and the home acreTo go with that old grey widow-maker?”

“He sat in defiance of municipal orders, astride the gun Zam-Zammeh, on her old platform, opposite the old Ajaib gher, the Wonder House, as the natives called the Lahore Museum. Who hold Zam-Zammah, that 'fire-breathing dragon', hold the Punjab, for the great green-bronze piece is always first of the conqueror's loot.”

“I have my own matches and sulphur, and I'll make my own hell.”

“When a man does good work out of all proportion to his pay, in seven cases out of nine there is a woman at the back of the virtue.The two exceptions must have suffered from sunstroke.”

“My Maggie, mia amore, I love you. I want to live with you, grow old, and have bambinos with you. You wrecked me. Completely … You belong with me.”