“Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories -- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost”

“She? You’re not one of those people who name their cars and coffee mugs, are you? It’s an inanimate object. Get over it.”

“The world is divided into two categories of people: those who shit in drinking water and those who don't.”

“The majority of my patients consisted not of believers but of those who had lost their faith.”

“Over the years, completely out of channels, a classification system for cases had grown up among sector-level inspectors. The Ministry often sent down memos warning against the use of this unsanctioned system, only reinforcing suspicions that it was pretty close to accurate. Category one cases were simple enough - those we were expected to investigate and, where possible, solve. Category two cases were those we were expected to be seen as investigating but not to solve. Category three cases were those we were to avoid - leave every stone unturned. In fact, for a category three case, it was best not even to record that there were any stones. No records, no files, no nothing.”

“If you fall down those stairs and break both of your legs, don't come running to me!”